Early Wednesday afternoon, there were reports that Paris Hilton, the 32-year old, famous-for-being-famous socialite, had just signed with Cash Money Records, the parent company of such famous acts as Limp Bizkit, Drake, Bow Wow, Nicki Minaj, and Lil Wayne and his entire entourage. The world was stunned, of course, by the news, and demanded answers. The questions came fast and furious, ranging from “Paris Hilton makes music?” to “She’s releasing a second album?”, and generally ending with, “Who the hell is Paris Hilton?”. In order to answer a few of these inquiries, I sat down with the socialite herself. The following is a slightly censored transcript of the fairly bizarre interview.
Rujabes: Well, Ms. Hilton, it’s a pleasure to meet you today. How are you?
Paris Hilton: Doing pretty well actually.
R: Well, as I’m sure you’re aware, news broke earlier today that you just got signed to Cash Money Records. Is that true?
PH: Yes, yes it is.
R: I’ll just be blunt. Why?
PH: Well, I’m a pretty accomplished musician.
PH: Oh my, yes. Didn’t you ever hear my first album?
PH: Well clearly a lot of people did. Paris sold 197,000 copies.
PH: Yea! It was a hit. And I know that fans have clamoring for a follow-up. Waiting six years between albums worked for Justin Timberlake, so I figure, why not Paris Hilton?
R: But there’s kind of a difference between you two…fundamentally.
PH: How so?
R: Well, you see, he’s established as a muscian. He’s been doing it for a long while. You, on the other hand, just seem to be parlaying your kind of baffling, pre-existing celebrity into an album. You – and please don’t take offense – kind of seem like the white Kim Kardashian. Or I suppose, Kim Kardashian is the ethnically-ambiguous you.
Paris Hilton stands up from her seat and walks over to a nearby window. She removes her stylish glasses and peeks out into the distance, her mouth slowly curling into a cruel smile. She fumbles in her purse and removes a small, smooth pebble she holds lovingly in her hand. She hesitates for a moment and then kisses it. I hear a small humming sound, along with a sharp crack. And then silence. I notice for the first time how tired she looks, the slight bags under her eyes growing a bit darker as I look on, curious. Soon, I realize her complexion has darkened considerably and her body has changed dramatically, becoming more husky and masculine by the second. The transformation is shocking and swift and soon, standing before me, is none other than…
R: Jay Electronica?!
Jay Electronica: The one and only.
R: But..I don’t…understand…
JE: Of course you don’t.
R: So you’re Paris Hilton? But you’re a rapper! “Exhibit C” was incredible.
JE: Yes. Of course it was. It was a near-flawless piece of music. But haven’t you thought it odd I haven’t released much since? Even after signing to Jay-Z’s label?
R: I just thought you were kind of weird or lazy or something.
JE: I was. Once. And I wandered the earth searching for the key to creating a truly flawless album. Perfect music. And in the mountains of the Himalayas, I found…them.
JE: The Shaolin Masters of Shaolin Mountain Island.
R: I…get the f*ck out.
JE: Don’t believe me? Did I not just shed my Hilton skin right in front of your eyes? How else do you think I managed to get her signed to Cash Money Records? Imagine their shock when Paris Hilton started rapping like a certain enigmatic rapper.
R: So which you is…you? Are you Jay Electronica or Paris Hilton?
JE: I learned much from The Shaolin Masters of Shaolin Mountain Island. Lyricism, beat production…and the art of disguise. Now, I’m known by many names: Jay Electronica, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Cee-Lo Green, the Xbox One…
R: Wait, wait, wait…isn’t Kim Kardashian pregnant? How did you fake that?
JE: Who said anything about faking? I told you…I learned much from The Shaolin Masters of Shaolin Mountain Island.
R: Is Kanye aware of this? Does he know?
JE: Of course not. I’ve infiltrated his camp, and stolen his production techniques for my own use. He just started work on a new album, by the way. It’s all county music. He’s calling it Kanye Western.
R: This is all a bit much…well, I guess Cee-Lo is reasonable. I could see him being a disguise.
R: But how are you possibly a piece of technology? Are you every single Xbox One, or just the one they showed publicly yesterday?
JE: Let’s jut say, there’s a piece of Jay Electronica stored safely in every Xbox One you buy. Don’t you see? I’ll be immortal.
R: Oh, you’re doing the whole…um…what’s the name…horcurx thing, huh? From Harry Potter?
JE: How do you think I got the idea?
R: Okay, you’re not about say you’re also Harry Potter because I…I can’t take that right now.
JE: What? Clearly not. Don’t be f*cking stupid. Harry Potter is fictional. No…I’m also J.K. Rowling.
And with that, Jay Electronica pulls out his pebble, kisses it, and transforms in front of me into J.K. Rowling. She winks once, kisses the pebble once more, and jumps out of the window, morphing into a large, three-eyed crow in mid air, which spreads its wings, squawks once, and flies into the night sky. I sit for a while, gathering my thoughts, and make a mental note to purchase Paris Hilton’s new album, for it may be Jay Electronica’s flawless masterpiece. Only time will tell.