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Judging by the brown stain on the seat of your jeans and your tear-streaked face, I can only assume that you have, in fact, abducted Liam Neeson’s daughter. Because common sense is a thing, it was probably an accident. Perhaps that fifth shot of absinthe or the Four Loko/Red Bull hybrid you created called “Loko Bull” made you go a little mental for a couple of eventful hours. And now, here you are, in Europe, with Liam Neeson’s daughter in your custody, and several vaguely European henchmen at your command. Congratulations, you’ve made Taken happen, and your life is now at risk. You probably have a few questions, don’t you? Luckily, I can help.

 This how happy I am to help you

Do I Answer the Phone?

Absolutely not. That’s Liam Neeson calling and he will threaten your bowels into your shoes. He’ll say something dark about having a set of skills that’ll allow him to find you and kill you. None of that is not true. Liam Neeson taught both Batman and Darth Vader. His skill set is varied enough to not only know but to teach both Ninja-Vigilantism and the Force. He has a PhD in Midichlorians and a Masters in Ninja. And he’s the good guy in this situation. You’re the dick that took his daughter. Now Darth Batman is coming to liberate your anus from your body. But at the very least, by not answering the phone, he’ll have to give you The Speech first before kissing your face with his knuckles like Chris Brown in love. What matters is you’ll be able to enjoy life a little more without knowing specifically what Liam Neeson intends to do to you when he finds you. And those extra minutes of life are precious.

Seconds before Liam Neeson arrived

Is There Any Way to Avoid Running Into Liam Neeson?

I’m genuinely trying to help you out, but do accept the fact that at some point today you will meet Liam Neeson, and he’ll be understandably upset. That is not a good thing. This man responds very poorly to being annoyed; it makes his fists hungry for faces. Liam Neeson angry gives everyone else diabetes, and his knuckles are insulin. Even if you personally return her safely – which you really should, by the way – he’s karmically obligated to turn your face into a tasteful reproduction of New York at the end of The Avengers. Alternately, if you choose to go full bad-guy, you can just relax in your living room and wait for Liam Neeson to bust in and turn your face into a tasteful reproduction of New York at the end of The Avengers. Either way, you’ll really want to see that movie again.

Now, a little known fact about Liam Neeson films, especially Taken, is that they all happened in real time. That gives you around 90 minutes to enjoy life before Liam Neeson bursts through the door of your generically evil, vaguely European hideout and kills you to death. Use that time wisely. Watch Finding Nemo again. Set up a single game of Monopoly and hope he’s in the mood to play. Have one of your henchmen Bane your spine so you can’t feel anything later.

I Forgot I Had Henchmen! What Do I Do With Them?

Your henchmen are punch-sponges. It’s their job to dilute the amount of pain you yourself will feel at the hands of Liam Neeson. They are Pokemon. Treat them as such. Like all teams of Pokemon, there’s a Legendary somewhere there, a super-powerful minion who can deal a ton of damage before dying. He’s your right-hand man. Keep him nearby at all times. Everyone else in your crew will die. That’s just a fact. But please don’t tell them that. Don’t be a dick; you’ve already kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter. All of your henchmen, except your Legendary, are terrible shots. They will never successfully shoot Liam Neeson in the face. Instead, he’ll barrel through them and take their weapons, doubling his Liam Neeson Death Quotient. That’s not good. Instead, lightly sprinkle your henchmen with anthrax, thus increasing the chance of Liam Neeson dying if he punches them with an open-wound. I don’t really have any idea how you can get anthrax, but you’ve managed to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter today. So…what do I know?

Do I Feed Liam Neeson’s Daughter? She’s Just Sitting Here, Singing “Call Me Maybe”

There should never be a moment in this ordeal where you’re not apologizing to Liam Neeson’s daughter for accidentally kidnapping Liam Neeson’s daughter. Ask her how it happened, and don’t be surprised if she doesn’t seem very concerned; this has happened to her before. Some children are accident prone, others have a short attention span, but fewer still have a tendency to be kidnapped repeatedly. She’s a real-life Princess Peach. So…congratulations, Bowser, you’ve made Super Mario happen too. Get to know her a bit, you know? But also totally feed her, just to be polite.

Now just what do you feed someone who gets kidnapped so often? Cereal? No, it sounds too much like “serial” and hints that she might get kidnapped again in Taken 3, which is a thing, by the way. Look around your stunningly crappy, vaguely European hideout for something American. Unfortunately you can’t eat freedom, but there’s always Poptarts. Nowhere in the world doesn’t have a box of Poptarts. Liam Neeson’s daughter will totally love those.

Holy Shit! We Caught Him! We Caught Liam Neeson!

Congrats. That’s called a miracle, and everybody gets one. Now shoot him in the face until he dies. Don’t leave him alone in a room attached to a loose pipe. Don’t post a sleepy henchman outside the door. Don’t tell him you’ll be back to kill him later. He’s not taxes. He’s not deciding on who to vote for this year. You can’t procrastinate this. Just shoot him.

Umm…

He got away, didn’t he?

Yep.

How?

The Pipe was Loose. The Henchman was Asleep. What Do I Do Now?

I swear this happens every time. Have you ever heard of auto-erotic asphyxiation?

Um. Yea. Why?

I figure, you might as well die on your own terms, with a smile on your face.

Thank you?

No problem. What have you learned today?

Don’t Kidnap Liam Neeson’s Daughter?

Don’t kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter. No idea why people keep trying to.

Why would you want to piss this dude off?

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