EXT. THE ARENA – DAY
The camera pans over a quiet forest. Bits of sunlight shine through the gaps in the trees. Shit’s beautiful. Too bad it has to die. A MASSIVE EXPLOSION rips through the trees, setting squirrels on fire and molesting the earth with heat. In the center of it all, we see a hot brunette running for her life. A wave of fire chases her in SLOW-MOTION. The light from the flames illuminates her HEAVING RACK. The camera pans up to her face and zooms in to a BIRD-SHAPED PIN on her jacket. A MOCKINGJAY.
FUCKING AWESOME Title Sequence. EXPLOSIONS AND SALUTES AND FIGHTER PILOTS.
THE HUNGER GAMES.
Written and Directed by Michael “MOTHERFUCKIN’” Bay.
TEXT: One week earlier.
EXT. District 12 Center Square – Day
Today is the day of THE REAPING, where a young boy and girl are chosen to participate in THE HUNGER GAMES in order to make people forget about AMERICA, the best CONTINENT in the world. FUCK YEAH. A stage has been set up in the middle of the town. We pan around it and focus on a super-hot PINK-HAIRED LADY holding a large bowl with folded pieces of paper in it. She steps up to the mic.
The name’s EFFIE TRINKET! Welcome to The Reaping!
We pan to the crowd and get the first clear shot of our heroine, KATNISS EVERDEEN. She’s a spunky, attractive, white girl who loves JESUS and ROCK AND ROLL. Next to her is her cute little sister PRIMROSE holding her MOTHER’S hand. Behind the three is Katniss’ super muscular friend, GALE. He forgot his shirt in the mines and is breathing heavily. Pan over his muscles to Katniss looking. She blushes. He grunts. THEY LIKE EACH OTHER.
I’m scared, Katniss.
Nut up, Prim. You’re AMERICAN!
We pan back over to Effie. She reaches in the bowl and pulls out two slips of paper.
This year’s contestants from District 12 are…PEETA MELLARK and…PRIMROSE EVERDEEN!
Pan back to Katniss and Prim’s shocked faces. Katniss’ ONE BLACK FRIEND, ANITA BAKER JACKSON, runs up next to her.
Katniss pushes Prim aside and steps forward IN SLOW MOTION. A light breeze PLAYS WITH HER HAIR SENSUALLY. She slowly puts on a pair of RAY-BANS. The camera zooms in on her puffy, full lips as she speaks. Her voice is dripping with determination. AND SEX. AWWW YEAH.
INT. THE CAPITOL TRAINING GROUNDS – DAY
We fade in on PEETA MELLARK lifting weights. His muscle sweat is dripping on the ground. We’ll add CGI STEAM coming off his body later. FOR THE LADIES. KATNISS enters, holding a BOW AND ARROWS, her weapon of choice.
I love you. You got a great BOD.
I love you too but not really.
They LIKE EACH OTHER EVEN MORE. Romantic music starts playing as Katniss watches Peeta lift. We FADE OUT on her smiling.
INT. THE CAPITOL DINING AREA – NIGHT
We see Katniss and Peeta dining with their training crew, HAYMITCH ABERNATHY, a drunk Irish guy, and CINNA, a NON-THREATENING black dude. The best kind.
I got a plan how you kids can survive the games.
Kill EVERYONE. HARD. Remind those communist Capitol bastards what AMERICA can do.
The American national anthem starts playing in the background. An EAGLE flys past and perches on Katniss’ shoulder. No one notices. NOT EVEN KATNISS.
EXT. THE ARENA – DAY
EAGLES fly through RINGS OF FIRE as EXPLOSIONS fill the screen. We pan over a huge grassy field with a large stockpile of guns and missile launchers in the center, the CORNUCOPIA. Around the edges of the field, 24 CONTESTANTS are standing, waiting to start. TO KILL EACH OTHER.
Let 74th The Hunger Games…begin!
The camera zooms in on Katniss as she runs towards the weapons. Another CONTESTANT tries to stop her. Katniss BREAKS HIS FACE with HER FIST. We’ll CGI more blood in later. She reaches the weapons, grabs an AK-47, and mows down TWENTY CONTESTANTS IN SLOW MOTION. Her sexy sweat makes her body glisten and the camera lingers on the AK-47 strapped across her chest. Only people left are her, PEETA, a blonde communist BAD GUY FROM DISTRICT 1, and a little black girl, RUE.
Pan to the bad guy grabbing a gun and KILLING RUE. DRAMATIC MUSIC plays as she dies in SLOW-MOTION. SHIT. JUST. GOT. REAL. Katniss is PISSED.
She shoots the BAD GUY in his knee-caps, runs over, and kicks his gun away. The camera pans up slowly to her face. She puts on her trusty RAY-BANS, turns around and walks back to the CORNUCOPIA nearby. She sees a NUKE. Using her knowledge of XBOX 360, she ARMS the NUKE and STUFFS IT IN THE BAD GUY’S MOUTH. 15 seconds till BOOM.
Hasta la vista, BITCH.
Katniss grabs Peeta by his muscular hands and RUNS LIKE HELL. The NUKE GOES OFF as they near the trees. We suddenly see where the WAVE OF FIRE from the BEGINNING OF THE FILM came from. THAT’S RIGHT! IN MEDIA RES, BITCHES!!! MICHAEL BAY KNOWS HIS SHIT! The two run super fast. But it catches up, closer and closer! But then, all of a sudden…ANITA BAKER JACKSON jumps in the way and protects the two heroes.
My only black friend, no!!!
Just the two of ’em left. Can they kill each other? THEY LIKE EACH OTHER A LOT. The ANNOUNCER’S VOICE comes on the PA.
Usually, there can only be ONE WINNER of these GAMES…but everyone at THE CAPITOL CONVERTED TO AMERICAN! So both of you win!!!
Katniss looks at the camera. Right at the audience. She smiles.
INT. EVIL TERRORIST LAB – NIGHT
The charred body of the BAD GUY FROM DISTRICT 1 is on a cold slab with lots of SCARY SCIENTIST SHIT everywhere. The camera pans around this and then focuses on BAD GUY’s face.
EVIL TERRORIST 1 (O.S.)
We can’t let AMERICA and Katniss win. Can we rebuild him?
EVIL TERRORIST 2 (O.S.)
Yes. He’ll be SUPER-EVIL and SUPER-COMMUNIST. But what do we call him?
EVIL TERRORIST 1
We’ll call him…Osama Bin Gadhafi Hussein Marx Guevara.
HEAVY Rock music BLARES as we FADE OUT.
TO BE CONTINUED…