This is the time of year when everybody likes to post tons of “Best of 2011”-type lists, and I admit, I was tempted to do the same. But then I realized, hey, why not beat the crowd altogether? And so, I did this instead. Feel free to refer back to this article over the next twelve months and start calling me Black Nostradamus.
Music in 2012 was a series of ups and downs, but mostly downs. The same kinds of songs were lucrative, creative artists were largely ignored, and the Grammy winners for the year bore no surprises at all. However, when things went well, they went exceptionally so. February got off to a huge start with the revelation that Justin Bieber was, in fact, Andre 3000 in disguise. That shocker gave the hosts of The View, where Bieber-Dre 3000 decided to make his secret known, their highest ratings since the very special episode, “Barbara Walters Learns to Say the Letter ‘R’ Mid-Orgasm”. When asked exactly why he chose to go undercover as an annoying Canadian for the better part of 5 years, 3000 responded, “Well, I was trying on wigs in Canada once with Big Boi like we do every other Saturday, and I put on this blond one. And next thing I knew, white girls weren’t scared of me anymore, or trying to sleep with me to spite their fathers. They adored me. I couldn’t resist. Besides, I figured it was a pretty creative way to push back this Outkast album some more.” Needless to say, Dre’s incredible practical joke, which grossed him hundreds of millions of dollars, an absurd amount of zealous fans, and an attractive Hispanic girlfriend, ended up being huge publicity for the Outkast new CD, which dropped in March, titled simply, C.P.T. The name was explained in rhyme on the very first track, “Colored People Time”, which appropriately didn’t actually begin until after about a minute of silence. The album went on sell 6 million copies in the first week, with tons of music-lovers grateful to Andre 3000 for both killing Justin Bieber and releasing great new music.
Later that month, Dr. Dre announced that Detox had been postponed once more. The fact that it was pushed back to a firm September 41st 2020 release date gave many fans hope that it would drop before they died. Both Watch the Throne 2 and Food and Liquor 2 were pushed till next year, entirely out of spite. In April, Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse’s estates released a posthumous duet album mixed by the Black Eyed Peas called, Bad Taste and Dance Beats, an album so lacking in tact that both singers actually rose from the grave temporarily to purchase several thousand copies and burn them. People soon forgot about the album itself and simply enjoyed seeing the two artists alive for a few days. This was, as we all now know, the first recorded case of the Black Eyed Peas doing something positive for music since Elephunk, even though it was unintentional.
Apart from these events, few other surprising things occurred. The music industry carried on essentially how you’d expect from all camps. A long-retired ’80s band released a new album (Sting and the Police’s Penicillin), MTV moved further away from music by changing its name to “F.U.MTV”, an obscure alternative band achieved fame by releasing a catchy song (Baby Grease’s “Holiday In Your Mouth”), and T.I. went to jail once more immediately after promising, “Never again.”
Family entertainment took a huge toll on America, with the release of a fourth Alvin and the Chipmunks film, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chiptease, and Hong Kong Phooey: The Movie. Both were impossibly profitable, although they were later shown to actively make children forget math, which in retrospect is kind of impressive.
The Mayan Doomsday prophesy was revealed to be the most over-the-top bit of viral marketing ever conducted. The Apocalypse the “Mayans” were talking about was actually Apocalypse, the comic-book villain.
As annoyed as people were, everyone was pretty excited to see X-Men: First Class: Apocalypse in 2013.
In July, three huge comic-book films dropped. The Avengers made tons of cash, and The Amazing Spiderman did extremely well, but it was The Dark Knight Rises that ended up ruining the pants of an entire generation. Stocks of Levi’s jeans skyrocketed after its premiere, as moviegoers were forced to immediately purchase a new pair after each screening. Only after the obligatory fifteen minutes of standing ovations did people realize the horrible mess they had made. Fans were adrift, so to speak, in a lukewarm sea of their own exuberance. It was official, Batman had overtaken masturbation as the cause of death of billions of potential children.
What no one expected, of course, were the repercussions of millions of people collectively staining their pants permanently. The seats in theaters worldwide were ruined, and bowels collectively voided, at the climactic fights and incredible ending of Nolan’s trilogy, in which it was revealed that Batman had performed an inception on the audience, implanting the idea of the perfect movie in their minds (in reality, Christopher Nolan had never actually shot any footage; it was all a mass hallucination, with people staring at a blank screen and imagining ecstasy for 2 and a half hours). The final gross was 4 trillion dollars, a sum which allowed Warner Bros. to finally purchase the United States straight cash, and to rename each state after a Batman character. Theaters could only support the film for about one month each, before even the most die-hard fans began to notice the odor of “White Castle men’s restroom” all around them. Many cinemas shut down soon after, proclaiming, “That’s it. It’s over. No one can top that. Movies are done. This is it. Perfection. This is our Thriller. We out.”
The annual awards season around November saw the release of several modern classics. Sean Penn and Eddie Murphy taught us about the mysteries of existential obesity in The Tree of Life 2: The Klumps, and Marion Cotillard and Chloe Moretz made the country somewhat uncomfortable in I Probably Did It: The Casey Anthony Story. Both films were scored by Moby for some reason.
As we all remember, 2012 was home to the most surprising presidential race of all time. President Obama was determined to get reelected, and his bid the previous year of killing Osama, Kim Jong-Il and Gaddafi to show his worth, along with the Republican party’s amusing 2011 antics, made Obama’s second term seem almost a given. That was…until Jimmy McMillan, “the rent is too damn high” guy, stunned the world by actually killing the Spirit of Christmas with a rifle and a lot of determination.
Impressed by the man’s ability to literally kill a metaphor, Americans elected him to office in a landslide victory. He celebrated in downtown Detroit, Bruce Wayne with several bottles of absinthe. No one really knows what this will mean for America, but at least we’ll finally have a president with a fun catchphrase.
In the News
Perhaps the biggest piece of news in 2012 was the release of the iPhone 5. As the world’s first legal anally-administered cell phone, Apple was clearly taking a huge risk. It really wasn’t a very intuitive design, lacking a screen and any buttons at all, and just turning it on was an odd experience. The user had to brace themselves with the tiny, onion-shaped phone positioned directly perpendicular to their rectum, and whisper, “My body is ready.” Here’s an example of a new user:
Once the initially uncomfortable installation process was finished, it would be a lie to call the iPhone 5 anything less than amazing. People were able to multi-task and work on their gluts. Asses the world over were toned beyond what was thought humanly possible. Stripper poles had to be reinforced with adamantium and concrete. Chairs were rendered obsolete. Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” experienced a surge in popularity, while Mystikal’s “Shake Ya Ass” was declared a public health risk. Hazing paddles were useless. The world was constipated with technology. What a year….what a year…