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That’s right, folks. The moment’s almost here. On November 16, 2012, the world will be free of Twilight. Just that quickly, terms like “Team Edward”, “Team Jacob”, and “that blank-faced chick from Twilight” will become as old-fashioned as saying “Where’s the beef” or “Bob Dole”. But as wonderful as things will be post-Twilight, the problem remains…

Just what the hell will we have to make fun of after this series ends?

Well, I guess there’s always…

Any movie anybody from Twilight is in from now on. Remember that terrible Twilight Bourne Identity movie, Abduction? No? Good, because barely anyone at all saw it. Which is good, but the fact that more people saw Lautner pretend to act than Drive is miserable. That aside, did you know there are at least two different movies next year about Snow White? And one of them stars Kristin Stewart? As Snow White? Also Thor and Charlize Theron are in it too cuz why not. Here, here’s the trailer:

Someone. Made. A gritty version. Of Snow White. And somehow the fairest one of them all is this girl:

and not her:

Now, technically, the original Snow White was actually pretty equal amounts of disturbing and stupid. You probably already know the tale: a somewhat attractive queen is jealous of an invalid, she sends a huntsman to kill her, the huntsman is all like, “Naaah, I don’t feel like it”, the invalid finds seven dwarves who don’t hit on probably the only female presence within miles, the queen finds her using a creepy mirror, offers her fruit, sort of kills her, but not really, and everything ends well for everyone but the queen. Now what you may not have been aware of, is that Snow White is like…seven the entire story. So this Disney-fied fairy tale is less adorable and family friendly, and more…Casey Anthony.

She’s like the white OJ.

If you don’t feel like reading it, here’s a summary. So basically, the hot queen tries to kill a cute child guarded by seven either extremely horny or calmly gay dwarves. She attempts this by first lacing her up. With lace. The queen’s first idea for how to kill a child is to tie her up and just sort of leave her there. In the house. Where the dwarves are bound to return. Because the queen is just so fucking stupid with evil she can’t be bothered to seriously think things through beyond a couple minutes. Obviously, Snow White is fine, and she tells the dwarves that, “Damn, that queen is just dumb as all hell, ain’t she?” And the seven year old is quite right. Anyways, the queen tries again to kill Snow White, this time with a poisonous comb, which is technically a step in the right direction.

She’s learn-ding

Once again, she forgets to stay to make sure the child is dead, and just sort of leaves. Once again, Snow White is fine, and the dwarves tell her to stop opening the fucking door for the same fucking woman who tried to kill you like a few days ago. So, of course, Snow White totally does precisely that again. Honestly, at this point, the story becomes disturbing; maybe Snow White is just outright suicidal and wants to die. Because either that, or she’s just downright stupid, even for a seven year old. When I was seven, I deduced that Santa couldn’t possibly be fat and married to Mrs. Claus without her divorcing him or cheating with Jack Frost. When Snow was seven, she fell for the same woman attempting to kill her three times. Because she’s obviously horribly depressed, like all absurdly beautiful people.

Anyway, the third attempt actually has the famous poisoned apple, which Snow obviously accepts because she lost the will to live after realizing that her entire life depends on the generosity of seven men in the woods. Snow gets over the poison because life is cruel and gets to keep living, and the queen dies – and I’m not joking – from being forced to wear scalding hot slippers.

Pictured: Fuck-You-Pumps

And this distrubing-ass story…is now starring Kristin Stewart. But I digress. Post-Twilight mockery can still be attained from…

The upcoming zombie romance film, Warm Bodies. So apparently, I was wrong. The vampire craze is not gonna be followed up by the tentacle monster craze I predicted, but by zombie romances. This film is not a comedy, mind you, but a straight-faced tale of a zombie falling in love with a human, choosing to restrain his animalistic urges, and protecting her from danger, which is pretty much Twilight in a nutshell, but with less sparkling and more rotting. And this hilarious concept is trying extremely hard to become the next big thing, and considering how zombies are inherently pale and lifeless, it could easily succeed. Look at the first promotional pic for the film: and compare it to a Twilight poster:

It’s exactly the same thing: some girl clinging to some undead dude and struggling to emote. Still, if I ever hear of insane Warm Bodies fans flocking in droves to see their beloved zombie with a six pack and the blank-slate woman he loves, who other women can easily project themselves onto, turning this film into a smash hit, I’m leaving this country for Canada. Finally, there’s…

Pottermore. Pottermore is basically a really expensive Harry Potter forum. It links directly to a store where you can buy digital versions of all the Harry Potter books you undoubtedly already own. And…yep, that’s pretty much it.

Oh J.K., you got me rolling…

When it launches, I intend to go undercover and research it.

So basically, the world post-Twilight will still be as dreary and saddening as it was when this terrible series started. It just won’t sparkle as much.

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