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Using my connections to the Illuminati, I was recently able to score an interview with two incredibly prolific music stars. Unfortunately, Katy Perry and Usher were far too busy being terrible, so I had to go with Jay-Z and Kanye West. The following is a slightly censored transcript of the interview.

Rujabes: Hello, gentlemen. Big fan. Thanks so much for your time!

Jay-Z: Good to meet you. Nice to see another brotha doing well online without leaking music.

Ruja: Oh…yea…

Kanye West: Are those Chucks, man?

Ruja: Yea, what’s wrong with my-

KW: And you thought it was cool to wear those outside your house, bro?

Ruja: But I like these shoes. I think they’re neat…

Kanye smirks and struggles not to laugh. Jay-Z sits down on a nearby couch and makes sure I can see his Hublot watch. Kanye sits across from him and looks intense. 

Ruja: Well, I’ve been rocking Watch the Throne all weekend. That sh*t was so dope! How did you two come up with the idea for it?

KW: This one time, Jay and I were playing ball on top of Kilimanjaro, and I was like, “Yo, Jay, we f*cking amazing. Let’s make an album.”

Ruja: I’m…I’m sorry, lemme get this straight. You were playing basketball on top of Mt. Kilimanjaro?

KW: Yea, man, you never been? We set up the court over this missionary camp…so every dunk, we raining our balls down from the heavens on some Africans.

JZ: Yea, we do that a couple times a week. So like, when Ye asked, at I first I was kinda hesitant, you know…I was like, “This n*gga just want another chance to f*ck my wife, don’t he?” But then he assured me it was gonna be about being rich as f*ck in America, so I was like, cool. I can write about that.

Ruja: Yea, both of you handled the subject matter mad well. It has to be the most quotable album of the year. How did each of you go about the writing process?

JZ: Me personally, I call up Kat Williams – he’s my spiritual advisor – and we go to orphanages in the inner city and hand out free copies of The Blueprint.

Ruja: Man, that’s real cool of you.

JZ: Yea, the best part is when they try to play that sh*t and find out it’s really The Blueprint 3. I use their frustration to fuel my lyrics.

Ruja: Damn, dude…

KW: Well, for me, I just look at porn.

Ruja: Word?

KW: Yep. Remember “Dark Fantasy”? Wrote that sh*t mid-auto-coitus.

Ruja: Wow. Umm…how did you guys hear about Frank Ocean? He was pretty excellent on the hooks.

KW: This one time, when I was stalking Beyonce –

JZ: Huh?

KW: When I was stalking Amber Rose, I turned around and noticed Tyler the Creator stalking me. I was like, dude, what you doing? Shouldn’t you be eating cockroaches or something? Then we got to talking, went to a strip club, ate at Arby’s…dope Friday. At some point, I was like, “I’m making an album with Jay, and I wanna get a few guests…” His eyes lit up and he looked so excited, but then I was like, “I would ask you, but we wanna keep the rape imagery to a minimum. Is Frank Ocean available?” I told Jay bout how sad he looked later and we both laughed. The rest is history.

Ruja: I definitely think you made the right choice. I wanna talk about the Blades of Glory samples. They were completely hilarious.

KW: Oh most definitely. Blades of Glory is easily the greatest film ever made. Sh*t’s provocative.

JZ: That’s the one thing we both completely agree on. Without question. It gets the people going.

KW: Yea. I called up my brother Will Ferrell and I was like, “I want your voice on my sh*t, bro!” And Will was all like, “Cool.”

Ruja: What about the producers? I was impressed how many hands were in the pot. Pete Rock, S1, Swizz Beatz…

KW: Okay, first of all…me and Jay only f*cks with Swizzy cuz he brings Alicia with him from time to time.

JZ: Yep. On the real, I can’t even stand that dude. His beats are questionable. Welcome to the Jungle? The f*ck is that about?

KW: Right? Me and Jay were about to make it a bonus track or something, but once again…Alicia.

JZ: Yo, Ye, should we tell this dude about the three minutes of silence on Illest?

Ruja: Yea, I looked that up. It’s called a lacuna, right?

KW: Yea. But if you play that part on an iPAD 3, it’s the entire Blueprint 4.

Ruja: Seriously? In three minutes?

JZ: I mean, I really just didn’t have much else to say. I was like, why waste my time? You gonna buy that sh*t anyway.

KW: Jay-Z is a businessman.

JZ: F*ck right.

Ruja: So is it like one song? Or…

JZ: Oh no, it’s a recipe. For ratatouille.

Ruja: A…what?

JZ: Why you think it’s called The Blueprint? Hell, all The Blueprints been about that. Blueprint 1, if you played that backwards, taught you how build a birdhouse. Blueprint 3, if you play that underwater, that’s Detox right there. Gave it to Dre on his birthday after he played, “Under Pressure” for me. I was like, “That’s…cute, Dre. Nice try. Here you go.”

Ruja: Wow, really?

JZ: For sure, for sure. It’s not a coincidence “Kush” sounds just like “Forever Young”. I bet you noticed that.

Ruja: I’mma have to hear that again. Last question – I don’t wanna waste any more of your time – how did you prevent the album from leaking?

KW: Man, we in the Illuminati.

JZ: Yea, it wasn’t hard.

KW: We actually got Rick Ross to sit on the only copy of the album. Just sit there anytime one of us wasn’t working on it.

JZ: He wasn’t very busy.

KW: Yea, he said “I’ll do it!” mad quick. I felt bad. But anyway, it was like…who would want to stick they hand under Rick Ross’ ass for music, you know?

JZ: He ain’t bathe the entire eight months we recorded. Just left him in a room in the basement with a sofa and a copy of Spy Kids 2 on DVD. He seemed happy.

Ruja: What about getting hacked?

JZ & KW: iPAD 3.

JZ: Get on that sh*t, man. Hack-proof.

Ruja: Well, gentlemen. It’s been a very…interesting…experience. Thanks again for your time. I hope we see a Watch the Throne 2.

KW: No problem. Enjoy being broke.

JZ: Just remember, Ye. No matter what…

JZ & KW: He’s probably richer than Consequence! Ha!

Both of them laugh for a long time.