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In a scant three months, a litany of blockbuster films will release, all of us will be three months closer to the Apocalypse of 2012, Kanye West and Jay-Z’s new joint album will be pushed back to next year, Fox News will apologize to Common for being Fox News, and I will turn 21.

Dude’s a damn menace. Thank God we have people like Rick Ross to teach the kids about responsibility.

I know it seems strange to write about “getting older” at only 21, but consider the statistics. The average life-expectancy of a black male in America is about 70.2 years,  with a 1 in 45 chance of being murdered before our 45th birthday (it’s 1 in 12 in Washington D.C.!). My point is, I’m beating the odds!

Take that, The Man!

Unsurprisingly I’ve managed to learn a few – I’d like to stress the word “few” – truisms about life I’d like to share with with you, precisely because…

As cynical as I’ve become, I truly do think well about humanity.

It’s just our nature to be mean-spirited assholes. I’ve written tons already about how much fun it is to be a hater, or why people do it at all (short answer: cuz it’s fun). But in spite of all that, I believe humanity is capable of tremendous good.

Case in point

We’re just really bad at it. We’re like the Invader Zim of altruism. Humanity excels at good intentions yet suffers from remarkably short sight, delusions, and a tendency towards greed. Though we may complain about how hard the world is, we’ve shaped it into what it is. It’s amazing how some of the vilest people who’ve ever existed truly believed the horrible things they did were ultimately for the best interests of their people, their families, or themselves. Even our country has managed to get involved in at least 3 wars in the past decade over oil, spending billions on something temporary, rather than devoting cash to finding a better solution. But in spite of it all, each and every time, it’s been out of a disturbingly genuine sense of justice. And the thing is, I truly believe people believe that, simply because it feels good to be good, even if the feeling’s artificial. It’s brutally uncomfortable to see one’s self as flawed. But you see, the thing is…

Being “good” is relative. There is no good without a “bad” to define it.

And that’s why we need Fox News. They’re hilarious! Fox News is like…that stupid kid in 4th grade who always asked why there wasn’t a White History Month and later grew up to create a news channel whose sole purpose was to be a bastion of disinformation. It’s like Slytherin got their own network.

.And now, the weather with our correspondent, Segregation O’Whitepower

I’ve decided, actually, to stop making fun of Fox News. There’s simply no fun when it makes fun of itself. I feel like Fox News is the conservative version of The Onion or The Colbert Report, and the joke’s on everyone who doesn’t get it. Well, I sure do now.

Now that’s satire. Actually, Ann Coulter is a comically unrelated segue to my next point, that…

Women know exactly what guys want like…90% of the time.

Video games, Caprisun, sandwiches, and Firefly back on television.

We really don’t ask for much.

Guys know exactly what women want like…10% of the time.


Mel Gibson hearing your thoughts?

See, this makes scared that…

My generation is gonna grow up to be remarkably similar to the past.

All that optimistic idealism is gonna be crushed when we leave college, and, like it has for centuries, the douchebag shall inherit the earth. They may not be happy, sure, but the familial and business connections they have will place them in the same thrones of power as their predecessors that everyone else will aspire towards and probably never reach. And the cycle will continue and continue and continue until China becomes the new world power, hipsters (ironically, of course) support VHS so hard it comes back and beats Blu-Ray, the first outwardly gay rapper manages to become hugely successful and widely accepted in the hip-hop community, and Detroit’s infrastructure becomes so hilariously anemic that Canada invades and renames it “Black People Island”.

Still makes more sense than Lost ever did.

College is just a microcosm of the real world; as enlightened as I feel so many students are, most people genuinely are not. It’s how Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, and Nickleback had a career as long as they did. Just being honest. Actually, while we’re being honest…

The only reason anybody watches the Harry Potter movies is for Emma Watson.

I mean, seriously.

She’s…pretty damn awesome.

Think about it, the Harry Potter books are adaptations of an insanely popular book series you’ve undoubtedly all read before. You know how it ends; you know about the train fetish J.K. Rowling has. And you most definitely realize that it was all a metaphor for a young Republican. It’s a series about a truant child who simply can’t go to sleep and let the adults take care of things. His average year is: arrive (Iraq), hear someone died or is going to die (Terror Alert), be told not to look into it (everyone else in the world), look into it (cuz fuck the French), wear an Invisibility cloak and kinda just look at people like Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man (Patriot Act), almost die except he doesn’t cuz duh (Americans don’t die, we buy), solve the mystery (which, in retrospect, just required some reading), and go back home to harass his human foster parents (who keep him in a closet under the stairs because they’re cartoonishly evil and probably communists). Harry and his crew solve a mystery like every book while the adults kind of just sit back and occasionally give him detention. He probably could have found Osama by the fifth book. 


Seal Team Six did pretty good though 

Chances are, you already had a mental image of pretty much everything and every person in Hogwarts. You probably envisioned Harry as a young Al Pacino, but with a scar and messy black hair. Snape probably looked like that one dude who works at Hot Topic and says he only listens to Led Zeppelin but you sat next to him once and could clearly hear “Party in the USA”. Ron probably looked like Brawny, the Brawny paper towel dude.

Yep. That’s a Weasley.

But what about Hermione? You didn’t even know who Emma Watson was before the films, and she still probably came to mind. And the funny thing is, she only really became super attractive around the fourth film, right about the same time Daniel Radcliffe started getting five o’clock shadow, that annoying David Bowie-esque hair, and man-breath. Quite frankly, she’s so hot, the real reason Voldemort invades Hogwarts at the end of the last book was just for a chance to hook up with her. He obviously subscribes to the George W. Bush theory that chicks dig invasions, which I guess is kinda true.

I’m…I’m just going to leave this here: