Hello all! I recently got hired to a prominent movie studio – that, I’m afraid, will have to remain anonymous for now – and have taken it upon myself to dispense my services as a consultant for those interested in creating prospective super-hero movie franchises. The following is a completely real transcript of a recent session that I hope should guide you to stupid amounts of money. Please enjoy!
Hello. What can I do for you?
I’ve come to seek your wisdom in crafting the perfect superhero film, one that will spawn an empire of merchandise, 3D releases, and slutty Halloween costumes. I have a few ideas I’d like to run by you.
Okay then. But first, is he or she white?
Are…are you sure?
Yea, not at all.
Oh. Well…you know…might wanna change that.
Well, is it starring Sam Jackson?
Is he in it?
Pretty much just showed up, really. We don’t even pay him anymore.
Is Tyler Perry involved in anyway?
Oh my, no!
Then yes, I’m afraid so. Studies show that American audiences grow frightened and upset when minorities assume tremendous power. Even in fiction.
That’s completely ridiculous!
Now tell me, what is the back-story of this character? I’m assuming it’s a heroic individual?
Why…yes! It’ll be about an African princess –
You mean an American princess.
Remember what I just said.
But she was supposed to rule over Uganda.
You mean Utah. Don’t make me repeat myself.
Fine! Fine, already. An American…I dunno…alderman from…*sigh*…Utah who fights crime as a smart, sexy super –
And roughly how large are her breasts?
I’m completely serious.
I mean, not ridiculous, I guess. Like…reasonable.
Can they be larger? What am I saying? They will be larger. What does she wear to fight crime?
Well, we wanted her costume to be realistic. She wears a beautifully crafted and detailed onyx mask, a striped blouse, black jeans, and converse sneaks.
Oh, that’s cute. You mean she wears low-cut leather that accentuates her curves. The Underworld look. It’s amazing how easy it is to design nowadays. She’ll take her guns out of her cleavage. No! Her cleavage will be guns!
I…I…can I speak to…someone else?
It’s good advice and you’d be a fool to ignore it. Now then, on to the villain.
Don’t you want to know what her powers are?
With cleavage like that, no one will care! Hell, if we do our job right, the audience won’t even realize they saw a film. That’s the power of cleavage!
Mm…cleavage. Now, the villain?
Well we wanted something original for the villain, so we thought of turning the entire town into the enemy! Our hero is the one shining light from among a mass of evil. It’s Legion! It’s a metaphor, you see, for –
Whoa! Whoa. Whoa…metaphor? Please! Don’t be silly. The average movie-going audience is terrified of metaphors and similes…and satire. Frankly the blunter things are the better. Did you know The Hangover was originally a philosophical journey into the mind of a drunk? We cleaned that up and added a damn tiger.
How about this whole…evil town thing becomes…I don’t know…a wealthy industrialist with slicked-back hair and a business suit?
We can make one of his bodyguards black or Asian…that’ll satisfy those minority groups…
This sounds terrible!
We’ll make it all be a reference to 9-11, that way the audience can feel smart when they figure out O. Sahma’s – that’s the baddie’s name – evil plot is to take down America. Then we’ll set up the story so she falls in love with a smart guy – give those nerds someone to project themselves onto – and then almost fail, but then totally come back and save the day! It’s a winning formula.
No! The audience is smarter than that!
Is it? Hell, we’ve been doing the same thing for years! And they keep giving us money! We don’t even have to pay attention to the source material! Did you know we recently got consulted about making a Black Panther film? Starring Shia LaBeouf? It’ll be great! You see, he plays a suburban Californian kid who watches Roots and becomes a crime-fighter.
We’re also remaking Roots.
This is just too much to proce – wait, Roots?!?
It’s gonna be by Pixar. About the lives of talking vegetables when no one’s looking.
What the hell does that have to do with slavery?
Oh, we’ve got that covered. Morgan Freeman will be voicing the head tomato, Ken Taye. He’ll give advice to the main vegetable and die honorably at the end. It’ll be Oscar gold! But we’re getting off-subject. We need a minority sidekick. Either black and sassy, Asian and handy with computers, or Hispanic and there.
I…this doesn’t even sound like my idea anymore. It just seems so…
Average? Familiar? Damn right. All we need now is cast someone sexy – Scarlett Johanson, maybe – and make a few trailers with some Nickelback song and the kids will eat it up. Those kids sure do love their Nickelback. We’ll throw in a few references…make ’em think we’re nerds too. Then we write a couple sequels set in space with something about oil or –
Hello? Line must have been disconnected. Oh! I just had an idea! A remake of Scarface starring Justin Bieber! He’ll be the sexiest ugly duckling! And we’ll have Kristin Stewart love him despite the charming scar on his cheek. Box office dynamite. Box office dynamite. Oh! And we’ll cast Kenan as his sassy black friend, LaJackson. Yea! This is a good idea.