How the Yeezus Stole Christmas

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Twas four in the morning, and Chicago was sleeping,

Except for one genius, going from house to house creeping.

With a smile, he wondered what home he’d next pick,

For Kanye was already a god, but this year he was St. Nick.

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Around Thanksgiving, while he and his crew were eating turkey,

Kanye realized something sad, and it made his eyes murky.

“People don’t even consider me on Christmas,” he thought with sigh,

Kim Kardashian agreed, “And Santa’s the reason why.”

 


But Kanye was really motivated by the new Beyoncé album; it irked him to mention,

The way she’d dropped it out of nowhere, and stolen all the attention.

Right then, ‘Ye hatched a plan so clever he had to thank Jesus,

He’d break into houses, steal all the presents, and replace PS4s with copies of Yeezus.

 


So Kanye went shopping all throughout Paris and Rome,

Until he had a dope enough Santa suit to teach style to people back home.

Instead of reindeer – and since it’d been a while since they were on the telly –

He called up his old friends Chamillionaire, Sisqo, and Nelly.

 


With the three rappers strapped to his magic red Christmas bike, straight ballin’,

Kanye grabbed his sack of Yeezus, took a seat, and began callin’.

“On, Chamillionaire, sing your verse from “Get Up”! And Sisqo whose Thong Song I know so well,”

“Take to the air led by Nelly – bro, your real name’s Cornell?”

 

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Kanye couldn’t help but be pleased with himself,

Spreading Christmas cheer and laughing like Will Ferrell in Elf.

“This night is provocative! It’ll get the people going!”

But someone was watching all this occur, seeing clearly even though it was snowing.

 


In a secret facility somewhere in Washington, stood a man named Howard Vance,

He was a federal agent, and annoyed at Ye after hour two of drone surveillance.

“We’ve got to keep him from ruining Christmas! Only one person can stop ‘Ye,”

“Turn on the Bey Signal and put a call out to Yoncé!”

 


Somewhere in Paris, and halfway through her daily workout routine,

Was Beyoncé Knowles, throwing punches between bites of poutine.

A massive signal lit up the night, almost turning the dark to day,

She grinned, “The Bey Signal is shining bright! Looks like a job for Beyoncé!”

 

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Back in Chicago, in the snow and tired after pulling Kanye’s bike,

Nelly, Sisqo, and Chamillionaire shared a bowl of Cocoa Krispies before the next hike.

Something suddenly slammed into the ground, sending the bowl flying,

“Oh shit, son, it’s Yoncé!” Nelly shouted in fear, “Dammit, Sisqo, stop crying!”

 


Yoncé subdued the three rappers, with her quick and powerful punches and kicks,

And just for fun – and Holiday cheer – every single blow was aimed at their dicks.

Kanye had returned, to investigate the commotion,

“So you’ve come, Yoncé! And from Paris, I bet; I made you cross an ocean!”

 


Yoncé tried to negotiate, “Stop, Ye. You know I’ll win if there’s any more strife,”

“I’ve been trained by the Shaolin Monks of Shaolin Kung Fu Island all my life.”

Kanye scoffed and assumed the Cooking Crane Stance of the Ancient Based God,

“My plan is genius, my kung fu is dope, and my Yeezus will make everyone’s head nod!”

 

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The two titans fought in the snow; rattling windows, setting snow on fire from the heat,

It was like Goku versus Frieza in the Namek Saga, set to a sick beat.

A break in the fight saw Ye limping and Yoncé on the ground next to Christmas trees,

Got back to her feet like Bruce Wayne, “I don’t need you seeing Yoncé on her knees.”

 


Ye laughed and said, “Our kung fu is at a stalemate, neither of us is gonna win!”

Yoncé smiled and said, “That’s true. But my plan all along was time-wasting.”

Right on cue and to Ye’s horror, the sun rose and daylight broke,

Christmas morning! Ye had never left Chicago and he saw the wisdom Yoncé spoke.

 


“Never even cleared the West Coast!” Kanye shouted, he’d been tricked like a fool,

“Damn, why you had to mess with me, Yoncé? I thought we were cool.”

She replied, “Because you watchedTheNightmare Before Christmasa few weeks ago at your joint,”

“And I just knew you’d try some dumb Jack Skellington-inspired shit like this at some point.”

 

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With that, Yoncé flew up in the sky, happy she’d saved the day,

While Kanye gathered up Nelly, Sisqo, and Chamillionaire, “Whatever, time to get away.”

And all over Chicago that happy Christmas morning, people woke with a shiver,

“The f*ck are my presents? Did someone break in? This is the worst Christmas ever!”

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